HARD TO SAY GOOD BYE

It started with one,

And I said what have I done?

Then there was two,

And I thought this can’t be true!

And now there are three,

So I am questioning why me?

A part of me has died,

But the other part I must hide,

You see what I let you see,

As I bury the sadness deep inside of me,

I don’t think I will make it through,

I really don’t know what to do,

After a life that is filled with so much pain,

Eventually the dancing stops and you drown in the rain,

My dreams are taken and with them my smile,

But it’s already been gone for a while,

I can’t do this,

So much I will miss,

It’s hard to say good bye,

When you never even got to say hi.

A NEW SEASON

A NEW SEASON

AS THE LEAVES CHANGE COLORS AND FALL FROM THE TREES,

A NEW SEASON IS DETERMINED TO BEGIN,

ONE THAT WILL BRING ABOUT NEW FEELINGS,

AND STIR UP OLD EMOTIONS AS THE COLD SETS IN,

THE OLD BUT STILL FRESH EMOTIONS MUST BE RECOGNIZED,

FEELINGS OF SADNESS, MOURNING, AND SELF PITY,

THESE FEELINGS ARE A PART OF MY LIFE PAST AND PRESENT,

BUT THESE FEELINGS ARE NOT WHAT DEFINE ME,

THE FUTURE IS DESCRIBED AS AN OPPORTUNITY,

TO CREATE A SEASON THAT LOOKS DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE,

ONE THAT I CAN BE AS HAPPY AS I CHOOSE TO BE,

AND NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME ANYMORE,

THIS SEASON IS A TIME OF BEING MYSELF,

ONE THAT IS WARM AND FREE FROM SELF DOUBT,

IT APPEARS THIS SEASON WAS THERE ALL ALONG,

BUT I HAD TO TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK INSIDE TO FIGURE IT OUT,

SO BRING ON THE SEASONS OF MY LIFE,

AND I WILL LIVE THROUGH THEM AS ONLY I CAN,

KNOWING I CAN ONLY CONTROL MY THOUGHTS AND NOT THE FUTURE,

AND KNOWING THE PAST WAS ALL JUST A PART OF MY PLAN.

 

With December 22nd marking the 1st day of winter, I decided it would be a good chance to share a remembrance poem that I wrote.  December 22nd also marked the due date for my 1st miscarriage that I had back in June.  I have been thinking the past week how life would be different right now if things would have ended differently.  We would be sleep deprived, and Kylie and Nacho’s worlds would experience a big change.  There would be a 2nd ornament on the tree celebrating another baby’s 1st christmas.  I definitely would have taken a picture of the newborn baby under the tree, or in a stocking, or something clever like that.  We would probably have just been getting home from the hospital right in time for Christmas.  That baby would forever have had to deal with having to share his/hers bday with Christmas.  These are just a few of the little things I think about, and I have been sleeping with my remembrance blanket very close to me.

With the remembrance blanket from the 1st miscarriage, a stuffed frog has been added.  The frog is a remembrance for the 2nd miscarriage that we just went through a few weeks ago.  We were 7 weeks along this time.  Both of the miscarriages were 6 months apart, on 6/6, and then on 12/6.  My due date for the 2nd one would have been 7/27.  This time around, at least I was able to go through it naturally and not have to take any medications or surgery like the 1st time.  It did take a few days, and I would not wish the pain upon anyone!  I did have admittance papers for the hospital because they thought it was eptopic, which can be life threatening.   I convinced my OB to wait and do more blood work, which showed that it wasn’t eptopic.   This one, I think would have been a boy also. 

I will be having a full work up and working with both my OB and my rheumatologist around the middle of January, since I am now in the multiple miscarriage category.  My rheumatologist is going to test me for Lupus again, and hopefully with the right mixture of medication and observation, we can have a successful pregnancy the next time around.  I am thinking that it is linked to my autoimmune disorder, and low progesterone. 

I was hesitant to write about this at first, but I want to look back on these steps of my life, and know that I was very strong.  I could have taken the easy way out, and gotten depressed and given up.  Instead, I held it together for my family, and became more determined to do more research, and hopefully help other women that have gone through the same.  This provides me with the capability to really make it through anything, with the support of my family and friends.

Christmas was a very fun time for my little sweetie.  She definitely got spoiled rotten this year by everyone.  I am looking at the disaster in my living room that is Kylie’s toys.  She got lots of lollaloopsie stuff, a cupcake kitchen, dress up chest with princess stuff, dollhouse, blocks, dump truck, barn, pillow pet, play school, candyland, and finger paints, just to name a few.  Can we say spoiled rotten!  We had a nice brunch dinner at Grandma T’s house, and watched some old home videos of my husband and family that we had converted to DVD from VHS.  Then, we decided to do a steak dinner, and I tried zucchini and onion chips that turned out amazing!  Kylie also went to her 1st movie the Chipmunks movie Chipwrecked.  She did good, and caught me sleeping during the movie..ha ha.  We had some issues with the daycare that Kylie has been on a waiting list for since she was 6 months old, so we are now leaning towards a Montessori school.  We toured it, and Kylie fit right in and I really loved the set up they have, and the focus on independence and the arts.

 I enjoyed spending time with my family, and Kylie really getting into Christmas, but after the year we have had, I am sooooo ready for 2012..It is going to be an amazing year!!!

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MY LIL PUMPKIN

I don’t really have anything too exciting to write about.  Mainly I just want to do a post so I can put up a ton of pics of Kylie at Halloween.  She was the prettiest princess in all of the land!  She was cracking me up with her ability to work the crowd while we were trick or treating.  One lady gave her a piece of candy, and Kylie said “You are soooo pretty”.  Wow!  What do you do when a pretty little princess says that to you?  Why, of course you give her more candy!  I thought she may be scared of some of the scary costumes, or the decorations, but she really liked everything about Halloween.  I think we only took one pic of her in her costume, but we got a ton of her carving her first pumpkin.  I have seen a ton of cute stuff, from a little boy dressed up like the old man from UP, or a baby dressed like Sophia from the Golden Girls..too funny!  Does anyone have any cute Halloween stories, or costumes to talk about?

Kylie also got to ride a horse at her cousin Aileenah’s (she calls her baby nah nah) bday party.  Shortly after the picture of her on the horse, oh yeah, she fell off the horse!  Talk about scary!  I was sure she was going to have her 1st broken bone, but we got very lucky.  She was just a little shaken up, but fine.  All in all, she had a really good time out on the farm.

Last thing, I just have to let everyone know that I am 100% obsessed with Pinterest!!  It makes me want to just sit around and DIY all day some crafty stuff like making my own cool clothes and house decor..if only there was more time in a day!

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FALL BACK INTO THE BLOG

So…I am alive everyone!  I literally haven’t posted in 4 months.  So much has happened in that time.  That is my longest span of not blogging since I started doing this almost 2 years ago.  I have been feeling like such a slacker!  But really, there has been so much going on, that I had to focus on all of that for a while.  Lets do a brief summary so I can get everyone caught back up. 

I will start with me.  I have been studying my ass off for my series 6 & 63.  As of last week, I have them both passed.  Now I only have a few more tests to pass before I can start doing retirement/education planning.  I am very excited about this.  I have also gotten on a good path with my health.  I have been off of all my meds for a few months, quit smoking, and even started working out.  I have even lost 7 pounds just from exercising.  It is a good feeling to have control of my body back.  I still occasionally have a flare up, or get a little run down, but nothing like it was.  My goal for 2012 is to not meet my $5,000 deductible/coinsurance within 1 month.  So heres to staying healthy and staying away from testing.

Now onto Matt.  He has been such a great father and husband to me and Kylie.  We are very lucky to have him.  He has been working so hard at working full time, going to school full time, and taking care of the house and a very independent toddler.  Luckily, we made a lot of sacrifices for the past 2 years so that he could finish school.  Last week, he officially graduated from Devry with his degree in Computer Information Services.  We could not be prouder of his accomplishments, all while getting on the Deans list!  Soooo..if anyone would like to hire my computer nerd husband and pay him tons of money, just let me know

Miss Kylie is growing so big, not in size, but in personality.  She has been potty trained for a while, but still struggling on the whole poo poo thing, so any suggestions would be appreciated!  She knows all of her letters, colors, shapes, and numbers.  She also knows how to manipulate her mommy, and especially her daddy to get what she wants.  She does and says some of the funniest and sweetest things.  She gets so many compliments on how polite she is.  I am so happy to see my little sweetie becoming a little lady, but I also get really nervous about this.  I’m not sure why, but I am nervous about her starting pre-school in a few months.  I guess I know kids can be tough and mean, and I don’t want my little girl to be around any bad influences.  It’s hard to hold her hand 24/7, but I also know that it is necessary to give her space to grow and socialize.  I guess we just have to do our best of being consistent with our values and make sure they get installed in her. 

On to Nacho..he will be turning 9 tomorrow!  He is starting to turn white with his old age,  and starting to get cranky.  He just likes to lay around and sleep.  He has become a little more tolerant of Kylie in his old age, but I think it is more about him just giving up.

Ok..to stop from writing a novel, I just wanted to give a quick recap of the past several months.  I will be posting some pics from Kylie’s 2nd bday back in June, all the way forward to the pumpkin patch trip last week.  Now that I am current, I will try to make an effort to blog it up at least once or twice a month.  I truly do enjoy writing about different life events, and I hope that everyone still enjoys reading them! 

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HANGING IN THERE

It’s not until you go through something like our family did last week, that you really stop and appreciate what you have, and who you have in your life.  I have had so much support, and heard so many similiar stories, that I now know that this is a part of life that seems to happen a lot more frequently than I thought.  That sounds like something silly, but it has helped me with the grieving process tremendously.  Also, the flowers that Craig & Kresha sent just made the house smell a little brighter and were the most beautiful flowers.  I have received babysitting offers, and lots of people letting me know they are here for me.  It has made me feel a lot closer to my family and friends that is for sure.  If you couldn’t tell, I am starting to see that good can come from grief.  I truly believe that when something in life happens, that it doesn’t matter what happens, but it always matters how you react to it.  So, I am glad that all of the support and stories have helped me to see that I am reacting normal, and that all I can do is see all of the positive that can come from this.

The procedure was this morning, and so far, still feeling a little groggy, but everything went smoothly.  I really was questioning whether a D&C was for me, or if I should “let nature take it’s course on it’s own”.  After today, I do know that I made the right decision by doing the D&C.  It has helped me tremendously to start feeling better both mentally and physically.  If I were to wait on nature, I could run the risk of infection, and also it could take weeks or even months before it happened.

I was going to ask the dr, but he said I would need to go in for some more bloodwork to determine if my loss was due to the parvo virus.  Kylie had 5ths disease and was in the contagious stage during the time that the baby stopped growing.  I also had anemia, and joint swelling, which are both signs.  Instead of putting myself through another dr office visit, I decided that we would just assume that the baby probably did contract the virus.  That will help me feel better about trying later on at having another one, that it was a virus and not something to do with my body or with my Stills disease.  I also asked to know the sex, but the dr said he would not be able to tell.  So, I have decided that based on maternal instincts, it was a little boy.

I sometimes stop and feel like I am a little weird for talking so openly about something so private.  I think that a lot of people keep these feelings inside and deal with them fine in private, but I am definitely not that person.  This blog is the best way for me to share everything, and maybe someone else will read this who is going through something similiar, and not have that alone feeling.  SO the writing is a great way for me to share feelings instead of bottling them up and not talking about it.  I do think that if we decide to have more children, I will definitely try a little harder to wait to announce it until the 3rd or 4th month when the miscarriage risk has gone down.  It is so hard though, since I have trouble keeping secrets, and I just like sharing things i guess.

Matt and I were debating a good way to memorialize our little one.  We went back and forth between a blanket, teddy bear, or even planting a flower.  I decided against the flower since I seem to have a history of killing these things within a week of them starting to grow!  We went today after the procedure and found a nice soft baby blanket that will be perfect for if I need to just have a moment.  I have also decided that since he probably would have arrived days before or even on Christmas, I will purchase some type of ornament to help grieve during the due date time. 

I feel like I’m writing a novel, and I think I have said everything that needed to be said regarding the miscarriage for now.  Thanks again to everyone for being so supportive, and being part of something so important in shaping our family and our own lives.

Now, onto some sweet stuff about our little Kylie.  She has never really said grandma or grandpa.  She call’s Grandma T MeMa, and this weekend she started calling my dad papa.  Pretty sweet, but then she realized she like peepa even better, so now that is her name for him.  She got a lot of early birthday presents and visitors since not everyone can make it to her birthday party.  She got a cell phone and com “puter” from her uncle Shawn and his family, and she got a little tikes car at home and at Mema’s house.  She is in love with those cars, and the “puter”.

Here are some pics of the beautiful flowers I got, the baby blankie, and miss Kylie playing and keeping me busy all weekend!

I’M SORRY

This is the hardest thing I have had to write about.  It is especially difficult since I am still dealing with the emotions of it all.  I’m hoping that getting some thoughts on paper and sharing my story with those close to me will help me to deal with everything in the healthiest way possible.  So I am trying to avoid getting drunk or binge eating on ice cream and just need to get it all out in the open.

We found out today that we lost the baby. 

I will back track to my last post.  I announced the pregnancy on Mother’s Day because it seemed like a sweet way to do it.  I was planning on sitting down this weekend to write about all of the details of how far along, due date, getting ready for new baby, etc.

My due date would have been Dec. 22nd, so I would be 11 weeks this week.  The way I found out I miscarried started last week.  I started to feel worried last Thur. and Fri. when my fingers started swelling really bad.  As you all know, I also have still’s disease though, so sometimes I get swelling in my hands and ankles.  I figured that’s all it was, but called the OB just to be cautious.  They advised me to call my rheumatologist and never saw me.  My rheumatologists office told me that the dr himself would be calling me back over the weekend.  I never got that call, but the swelling went away after a few days, and back to normal I thought.

Then yesterday, I was out with my co-worker doing some appointments.  I started feeling a little dizzy and faint.  I had a really scary episode where my co-worker said my face was white and my lips were white, and I looked like a zombie, and I almost fainted several times, and finally did on a public restroom floor.  Ooohh..that is nasty, but that tells you the extent of how scary it was.  I almost dialed 911 from the bathroom floor.  Instead, I got up, went and found Kristin and told her that something just wasn’t right, and I needed her to take me to the ER.  She said she would meet me at the car.  I went out, and ended up laying down in some bushes in the parking lot and throwing up.  We went to the ER, and they said my vitals were fine, and told me to go wait and that it was going to be  a very long time before I was seen.  Well, beings that I had an emergency and they didn’t seem to think of it as a priority (even when I told them I was pregnant, and my symptoms were sign for alarm).  I decided it would be best to go lay at home and just let my OB know what had happened.

They told me it sounded like I had too much sugar, and not enough protein in my diet.  They also wanted to get me in for an ultrasound just to be safe.  They couldn’t get me in until this morning, and while I was there, I knew something was terribly wrong.  The ultrasound person never once told me the baby was ok, or let us hear the heartbeat, or even made eye contact with me for that matter.  She said when someone has to be seen due to problems, that she has to contact the dr office before we can leave.  She then tells us we have to go to our dr’s office.  We get there, and she walks in and just says I’m sorry.

According to the size of the baby, she thinks it stopped growing about 7-10 days ago.  She said it was nothing that I had done, but that some pregnancies just  terminate due to abnormal chromosomes.

The worst part is still to come.  We have to go in on Monday to have it “suctioned and scraped” out.  Those are the only words I heard come out of the dr’s mouth.  So, I get to spend the weekend with a dead baby inside of me.  I know all of that can sound really bad and like I am really cold, but that is what I am feeling right now.  I’m trying my best at the grieving process, but I think it will be hard to start truly grieving until it is no longer inside of me.  I also feel that I will need to put up all those maternity clothes that I just got out.  We also just moved Kylie to her big girl room so that we could get the nursery ready.  I will post pics of her room, which turned out really cute.

This is just something that I needed to get out.  I am still going through the “why me” feeling, and this is something I never would have thought would happen to me.  I truly do not want sympathy, because I feel like that just makes it harder and makes me feel more alone.  Instead, if you want to respond, please post things that will help me with the grieving process, and any advice or stories of others that have gone through this so that I don’t feel alone.

Here are some pics of Kylie’s new room

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Happy Mother’s Day!

I just wanted to share a few stories from the weekend of my daughter being hilarious.  On Friday, we decided to give a test run to potty training to see where Kylie is at.  She was sitting on the potty and peed by accident.  She got up and started going Oh No Oh No.  Me and Matt started yelling and clapping and giving her praise, and I think that just freaked her out more.  She then leaned over to her potty and said with a very concerned face..U OK?  Too funny.  So Saturday, we tried again, and she had no interest.  We decided that we will give it a try in another month or so and see if she’s ready then.  We are sure ready for her to be out of diapers!!

On Mother’s day, Matt made me french toast in bed and I got to lay around for a few hours.  Then I decided to go to the gym and get in a good work out.  My gym is right next to the park, so Matt and Kylie went and played while I worked out.  When I was done, we played some more at the park.  Matt asked Kylie if she could say happy mother’s day.  She said Happy Mo Day with a big smile, and then said a toot mommy and started fanning the air behind her..a toot is what she says when she farts..hilarious!  I almost peed my pants laughing.

Just wanted to share a few stories, and see if anyone else had any cute stories from their Mothers Day weekend.

Here are some pics as usual..

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Hoppy Times

SO…this post will be short and sweet due to sheer laziness!  We had a great Easter weekend, even with having a car wreck.  If you haven’t heard the details, a little old lady pulled out in front of me while I was going 65 mph!  Pretty scary, but thanks to my cat like reflexes, I was able to swerve and save my family and the other cars lives and just wound the cars.  I should have my car back in a few weeks, and in the mean time I get to pimp out a Ford Focus.  We didn’t make it to meet the easter bunny because of the wreck, but we still got to paint eggs and had a total of 3 easter egg hunts.  Kylie kept saying beans..because we put a jellybean in a few of her eggs, and Nacho kept trying to pee on the eggs we hid.  I may have painted eggs when I was younger, but I really don’t remember.  I only remember the plastic ones.  No word on the medication being approved or not yet, so patiently waiting.

Now..short and sweet followed by some sweet pics of my family..

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Back to the Blogging

Ok..so I know it’s been a little while.  In my defense, I have been pretty busy over the past month or so. 

Let’s start with a catch up on my health.  I had to postpone my biopsy from the original date because I had strep.  So I ended up doing it on St. Patty’s Day (man do I know how to party!).  Everything went fine with the biopsy, and I only had to stay one night at the hospital.  My incision sites are healing just fine, and I got my stitches out last week.  The results were as good as one could get from a growth in their chest.  It’s not cancerous, so I can cross that off the list.  He said it was inflammation with signs of fibrosis.  Basically, my body has gone through the inflammation before, and the fibrosis is like scar tissue from it healing itself.  So, I guess I will have the inflammation forever, and it will eventually heal itself after some time of shortness of breath and chest pains.

Also, today I saw my rheumatologist.  He asked me how I was doing, and I told him that I was  feeling great, not taking any of my medications and that I had even ran a 5k last weekend.  He basically told me to cut the crap and stop sugar coating everything (in a nice way).  He said it is time for me to accept the fact that I have a disease and start focusing on my options.

One of the options that I have is a shot that I would give myself everyday kind of like insulin.  He said that without insurance, this drug can cost up to 20,000 a year!  Holy crap..that’s a lot of money.  Good thing I have insurance and I’m already way past my co-insurance and have been since February.  I should hear in the next few weeks if BCBS is going to approve me taking this drug.  Here is the link for the drug.  It luckily has pretty limited side effects(so the drug company says) and seems to have a high probability of working..

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000183/ 

At least I haven’t seen any commercials for people who have taken it needing to contact a lawyer yet, so that’s good.  My doctor says that if this works, then I should basically feel like I did before all of this started and be symptom free!  If it does work, then he also feels pretty confident that he can label my disease as adult onset still’s disease.

Now, on to my little sweetie.  She is getting so big!  Well, not size wise, but she is getting so smart.  She can count to ten now, and it’s so cute, instead of saying eight, she says eat.  She is starting to say a lot of sentences like Mommy go Bye-bye and See you morrow. 

 She impresses me every day with her willingness to try new foods, and I hope she keeps up her adventurous appetite.  Tonight she tried chicken, peppers, onion, and pineapple.  Last night, she gobbled up corn flake pork chops and corn and rice.  We are trying to eat a lot better for my health especially, and that means cutting out the majority of pre-processed foods.  I can’t believe how much sodium is in that crap like chicken nuggets and mac and cheese!  We have to read labels now, and do a lot more cooking, but I am really enjoying our new lifestyle so far.  I am also trying to dedicated at least 20 minutes a day to exercise, whether it be pilates or a speed walking.

Last but not least, we may be adding to our family really soon!  We have a 2-year-old english bulldog that is coming to meet us tomorrow and I hope he likes us ( and I hope Nacho can at least be civil to him).  We will see tomorrow!

Anyhoo, I feel like I have written a novel, so lets end this already with some pics of me and my little sweetie!

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Mork and Mindy

In case you were wondering, Brandy won the name it contest with her submission of Mork.  Well done Tejada, well done!

So, I met with the thoracic surgeon.  He was a very nice guy, and I have heard from several people that he is the best in our region, so that makes me feel good.  That doesn’t make it any less scary for me though.  He presented my case to a group of colleagues including radiologists, surgeons, and pathologists.  Based on what everyone said, he decided that my next step will be a biopsy with a scope.  He said that it will involve at least one overnight stay at the hospital and possibly 2, depending on my recovery and how the draining goes.

A lot of this still doesn’t make sense to me.  I was telling Matt tonight that I feel like this is a little much.  Dr. Miller said that everyone is in agreeance that it is more than likely benign.  I just don’t know if I want to go through all of the risks of a biopsy just to be told that it is just something that I have to live with.  I feel like the biopsy is only really necessary for liability reasons for the doctor.  I am also worried about the possible complications that can come along with the procedure.  I do not have a very strong immune system, and I feel like an infection becomes more likely.  I will probably end up doing the biopsy because my husband will force me to, but that does not mean I am happy about it!

I wanted to take some time and talk about my little sweetie.  She never stops amazing me.  She has been doing gymnastics for about a month now, and she is really loving it.  Her favorite is doing flips and the trampoline.  She is always flipping around the house.  Her favorite number is 2, and that is the only number she acknowledges.  She loves the head shoulders, knees and toes song.  She also loves singing the Dora song and the barney I love you song.  Winnie is still her best friend.  She loves to give “feast bumps” and high fives.  She eats fruit snacks everyday and really loves crackers and hummus just like her mama.  She still only has 3 teeth, but I think she may have another couple on th way in.  She loves going on trips to see mema, scott and tyson.  That little girl will color for hours if you let her! 

One other thing I wanted to talk about.  Over the weekend, we had a lot of good food with good friends as usual.  We did some bbqing, and I can’t wait til it starts getting warm enough to grill everyday.  I also made some cookies that were pretty amazing, and I am pretty sure I have gained 10 lbs from eating them.  I used chocolate cake mix for the cookies, and made cookie sandwiches using a powdered sugar/cream cheese/peanut butter chip filling..mmmm  mmmm. 

What is everyone looking forward to with the arrival of Spring right around the corner?  I am excited for fresh air, walks, bbq’s, Kylie’s first baseball game, sitting on the deck with a nice adult beverage, and to start going to the farmers market again!

My new camera is the best (it doesn’t hurt that I have the cutest little girl in the world!!)